What fence? where?

When you get ready for the invasion of a husky (or two) into your home you think you have dog proofed every where but you soon find out you haven’t! Huskies are escape artists, ahah I thought, I’d like to see them get over the six foot fences we have. Now mine are never let off the lead, I know some people do but I have chosen to heed the warnings of people who have owned the breed for over twenty years or more. We have the obligatory fifty foot leads that attach onto their normal six foot leads once we are in a park or field, we turn ourselves into human may poles there for the amusement of our huskies to either tie us in knots or to use the leads to fell us from behind with a super fast run behind us then doubling round so the leads hit us just at the back of the knee, I swear they award themselves points for how many swear words they get from us with higher points for any bruises, lead burns or grazes we get.

My greatest fear is them getting away from us off lead and running into a road to be hit by a fast moving car or killing some small creature on their stolen freedom based rampage through the village. So on a day that the OH was in Manchester and I went into what I thought was a dog proofed garden to call them I didn’t expect to find a dog free garden. I ran round the garden in a panic fuelled sprint screaming “treats” at the top of my voice hoping for a response, I checked every room in the house including upstairs which they cannot get to thanks to a puppy pet gate across the bottom of the stairs. I grabbed handfuls of leads and harnesses and ran out of the house still screaming both their names and treats in the hope they would come running. I was convinced that somehow they had disappeared over the fences, god knows how. I ran around the estate only pausing briefly to ask any passing person if they had seen two manic pups out on their travels, during this time I also managed to text the OH with the fatal words “the pups are missing”.

I couldn’t find them in the estate, I couldn’t find them in the park and my panic grew to huge heights and swooped into visions of the worst things that could have happened to them, suddenly I became convinced that they had returned home and no one was there to let them back in, I don’t think a Ferrari could have beaten me home at that moment in time. Back home there was still nothing and I ran into the back garden trying to work out how they had disappeared, was it dognapping? was it escape? then I heard a noise coming from the garden of the house behind us, the house with the immaculate garden and oh boy do I mean immaculate as never a blade of grass is out of place. I crept closer to the fence and sure enough I could hear my playful furry psychos running around having great fun in the secure garden behind us, how the bloody hell?

I squeezed into the space between the shed and the fence and discovered that my little angels had not escaped over the fence but had in fact eaten a hole completely through the bloody fence, a hole I hadn’t seen as they had done it behind my very knackered and decrepit shed. THE LITTLE BASTARDS! At this point I also discovered that my arse was way tooooo big for this space between shed and fence and I was wedged in quite firmly, it took a couple of minutes of panicked wriggling to remove myself from this predicament to fetch some treats.

With treats duly fetched I squished myself back into this spider inhabited space, barely able to breath I waved the treats whilst hoarsely calling “treats” to the escapees but they were having way too much fun to respond, they ran over for a vague sniff through the hole but buggered off joyously to play some more in this new and exciting garden. The Oh chose this moment to text back saying he was actually already on his way and had I found them yet. I explained that yes I had found them, they were safe in another secure garden but I couldn’t get to them as the owners of the immaculate narnia appeared to be out and I had no way of getting in as I couldn’t get to the hole and the shed was blocking any other route in over or through.

In despair I did what any other normal person would do… rolled a fag and opened an energy drink, I mean they were safe but I doubted the immaculate garden was so immaculate any more, I also popped upstairs to look out of a bedroom window to see the chaos twins running around manically in the garden with gleeful smiles plastered across their furry faces. SHIT! how was I gonna get them back? HOW? and man I needed to go on a diet as once upon a time my arse would have fitted in that gap with room to spare damn it! oh and why the hell had no one warned me that huskies don’t just go over or under fences? they can just go straight through them!

BRAIN WAVE struck and I grabbed two frozen pigs trotters from the freezer, you know I can remember when my freezer was filled with yummy things like chocolate fudge cake but then my principality sized arse proves that and maybe it is now better we have no room for things like that in the freezer any more. I legged it to the shed, studied the gap nervously for spiders (I fucking hate spiders you know) and once again pushed myself into the gap wishing I had several large shoe horns and access to a supply of crisco that only a gay man would own to ease my passage between the shed and fence. I waved a pigs trotter near the hole in the fence whilst gasping out “TREATS YOU LITTLE FURRY SHITS”, well I was a little stressed by this time. Within seconds the little darlings were scrabbling back through the hole taking out my legs in the process leaving me suspended with a small spider wandering perilously close to my face, with an almighty push and I’m sure I heard a large bvvvwappppp sound as I popped out from that small enclosed grave like space, yes it was bloody grave like, there was wood, mud and spiders, did you hear me there were spiders!.

I grabbed the pups and marched them indoors and shut the patio doors with a slam. I couldn’t help myself I really lost it… In anger I hear you ask? nope I burst into tears, buried my face into their necks and cuddled them for all I was worth, I even gave them the blasted pigs trotters just as the OH walked in through the door. Maybe I should have shouted but I was just so relieved to have them back safe and sound, besides what would shouting have achieved, they had a great time and it had shown me that my arse size needs to decrease dramatically.

Thanks to some good friends with fencing know how, some notes through the neighbours doors and four hundred and ten pounds later, the eaten fence is repaired and a second more solid fence has also been built on our side. The knackered shed is gone, the garden is neatened and made even more dog proof and the pups are blissfully unaware that I was very nearly stuck behind that bloody shed forever let alone the near heart attack they caused with their disappearance. I did offer to pay for any damage caused in the neighbours immaculate garden and I’ll leave you with their reply they sent via text;

“Just got your note. Don’t worry about the garden. Looks like they had fun in the pond.”

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